Trapped within

We are thinking beings. We have so much on our minds. And the mind is always restless. It is so common to find ourselves conversing with ourselves many times a day. This happens without our knowledge sometimes. Sometimes we consciously wonder aloud. This is what happens to all of us normally, each day, every day.

But what happens when you slightly deviate from "normal"? Is it not possible that the mind may start playing tricks on you? And you start to believe something that does not exist...

I have always been proud of being 'as healthy as an ox'. I have never known or seen what an illness or "perception" of illness can do to an individual, simply because I have not come across many such individuals. Of course I have been ill myself. And once or twice, seriously ill. But what is considered normal is to bounce back after the episode.

In recent times, I have made a good friend. She is otherwise quite active and healthy. She keeps herself busy mostly. But small things always upset her, especially about her health, like a boil on the hand, a small bout of cold, or just perspiring sometimes. She is paralyzed with anxiety over these small bodily changes and seeks constant reassurance from us and her family about her nagging feeling of something being seriously wrong with her. She is not convinced with our reassurances and seeks medical help for each small perceived illness. And that is not enough either. She does'nt believe that one single medicine or course of treatment or doctor can cure her. She seeks help from various doctors and local healers and changes medicines often and then becomes anxious about if she should have stuck to one treatment from the start! She needs reasons about why the boil or flu started in the first place.

It drives me mad to be around her during her bouts of illnesses. Her house is filled with medicines for all sorts of anticipatory illnesses. She sometimes self-evaluates her illness and reads up books and surfs the net about what it is that ails her. It is not only hard for her, but also for people around her, especially her family. They tell her it is nothing, just a boil. But then, what if this boil is a "manifestation of something serious within the body"? I cannot help but think what is it that drives an individual into such a deep well of anxiety. And then it hits me- it is a case of hypochondriasis. I read about it from this link here. This helps me make up my mind somewhat more about her being a hypochondriac.

It is such a sensitive issue. Any illness is, but those related to the mind are more so. There is a stigma attached to mental illnesses. No one wants to accept that a psychiatrist is the one they should be seeking help from, not a physician or any other doctor. And as a well-wisher, it is impossible to let the person in denial suffer through this hell for the rest of their lives. It is treading on a thin rope to be the one to tell them that it is not anything physical, but related to the mind without implying that he/she is "mad".

I feel a lot for people who are otherwise healthy but are trapped within themselves. How do we free them?

Giving

It is the joy of giving week. There was a report in the newspaper about how an aged spinster donated her big bungalow to an orphanage. I thought this lady must have had a big humanitarian heart to be able to give what she had and, probably, did not need. But, other than the lady, how big are our hearts? Leave aside giving something which is dear to us, are we big enough to give at least that which we don’t need?

Long time ago, in our country, there were brahmacharis, who would come asking for bhiksha on the doorsteps of other people. Their dharma suggested that they couldn’t demand, but humbly accept what was given to them. They could go to a few houses each day and ask for anna bhiksha. And people considered it a blessing to be able to give to these brahmacharis. At certain times when there would hardly be enough for the family, the lady of the house would never return a brahman empty handed when she heard “bhavati bhikshan dehi” and would share with him what little they had.

But that was a long time ago. Then it was even safe to leave your doors unlocked when you were not at home. Thefts were rare. Morality prevented people from even considering wronging others. There were not so many conmen then. People were genuine. Those were golden times.

Now is a different story. Gold prices have hit the roof. And desperate college students who need to meet their daily expenses have resorted to chain snatching and, sometimes, tear away the ear of an unaware passerby for some money worth gold ear rings, never mind the pain inflicted by the act or the life-long permanent disfigurement faced by the subject.

Looting is a common thing today. People bring certificates saying they are blind and ask for money for their eye operation. And when you try to help them, they attack you with their aides and loot you. So, now you have to beware such people. But how do you distinguish between people who genuinely need help and those that are conmen? You can’t! That’s why we have become sceptics and prefer not to help anyone. The times are bad!

And somehow, these changing times have changed our hearts too. It has given people free-wheeling to operate their selfishness. It is reason enough to say, “I don’t wan’t to give to anyone who comes by my doorstep! They are all cheats!” Even if you do help and give money or clothes to those who come asking for it, you are ridiculed and made guilty all your life for your ‘foolishness’. Who knows, they could be cheating all people with their lies! And you have fallen for it too. Stupid you!

But, is it right to let our miserliness take free reins? I sometimes feel small when I turn away a dumb and deaf child who comes asking for money to pay his school fees. He did not ask for 10,000 rupees, just whatever little I could contribute. What if I am being taken for a ride?

My grandma suffered from dementia. It was a difficult time to see this degenerative disease take her away from herself, and finally from all of us. It was a hard time for all of us. It was quite emotional, and sometimes emotions make you do things you never thought you would ever do. So, when you see an old woman on the road who seems to have lost her way, it doesn’t need logic to help her home. It just makes you think, it could be your grandma. Maybe, you will donate money to certain dementia care centres.

You don’t need such tragedies to be generous. Thank god for many philanthropists, the world is a better place. The world is still not void of good people. We must feel grateful for what we have- health, family, food, and security. Sometimes, we just need a heart.

Fair and lovely, dark and handsome

I have always been subjected to the "fair is lovely" sentiment either directly or indirectly from the time I could distinguish between fair and dark. I am considerably brown and my brother takes after my mom and is quite light in colour in comparison. In my family, my parents have never treated us differently, which is how ideally every family should be. But, since I started going to school and also meeting "certain elders" in family functions, I was made keenly aware that my brother was considered prettier than me!

I remember asking my mom at home if I was ugly. I also used to ask my aunts and uncles if they thought my brother was better looking compared to me. Of course, nobody was cruel to me that way, and they always showered equal love on us both. My mother always reassured me that I was very beautiful, as was my brother.

We Indians (and many other Asians) are coloured people. And for reasons unknown to me, most of us chase after fair skin! It is especially important for girls to be fair in our society. A new born baby is immediately judged by its skin colour. The fairer the child, the "cuter" it is. And even before a child can begin to form his own opinions and thinking, these prejudices get etched deep within, sometimes scarring the child. At the time when a child should not be worried about playing in the sun "or he will get darker", he starts to think that his worth is determined by his looks. Of course, it is definitely advantageous to be good looking as researched by many cosmetics companies (cosmetics industry is a multi-billion dollar business). But is it really essential to be fair to be beautiful?

Such stereotyping is actually quite surprising to me. We are naturally brown skinned. We breed brown-skinned children. But a majority of us still consider a brown child just average in looks and gets average attention from its family. People wouldn't look twice at it, because it is not any different. Even parents who are brown and fair each, prefer to have a child who is fair and the mother drinks kesar milk in pregnancy so that the child becomes fair in colour (impossible scientifically, unless it is in the genes).

This obsession persists throughout Asia. But, in the West, people go to great lengths to get a tan. A tan is fine, but not a brown or a black skin. I am sure it is not true with all people universally. But a majority foster such sentiments. This unexplained dislike to even "hate" makes a dent in an individual's self-confidence, unless his confidence is armoured. My friends actually asked me how is it that my sister's child is actually so fair but my sister isn't, with such bewilderment! How is it OK to be impertinent and hurt somebody's feelings, than be a nice individual, whether brown or white?

My mom used to tell me that it is not important what your skin colour is, neither is it important to be good looking. What matters is to be good natured, presentable, self-confident, and hard-working. And people will love you for what you are and not how you look. But all said and done, I think brown skin is no less beautiful than white skin. Cosmetic beauty is skin deep, but true beauty isn't. I will definitely teach my child what my mom taught me.

(picture source : the desi mag)

I am loving

Drinking strawberry milk straight from the carton.

How important a teacher's role in Sex Education in schools is.

Watching funny cat videos.

Reading blogs about innovative and cool things.

Reading what it takes to be a mommy.

Learning recipes for different fruit mixes (juices).

Listening to Moves Like Jagger

Wondering about Orangutans! So cute!

Reading people's opinion about what it is to be pretty.

Thinking of my not real (?) and "real sun sign".

This lip art!

Ain't these cool?

NEED

I just changed houses. Though I love to travel and see new places, I always dread the moving and the work involved in the process. Stuff somehow gets accumulated even when you are very careful to avoid it.

We stayed at the old place for hardly a year. Still, I had to throw out stuff. Though, when I was buying things for the house, I thought, I "NEED" it. So, I am buying it. But when I have to move, it seems not worth the trouble. Hmm! (The word "NEED," like "LOVE," is used very inappropriately most of the times, I feel.)

And when its time to move into the new house and sort things out, everything seems very inconvenient. I cannot imagine having no cabinets/shelves to keep vessels in the kitchen or a rack for toothbrush in the bathroom! This house is a temporary arrangement till we move back to India in a month. So, I did not think of convenience much while renting this place, but more of a basic NEED for shelter for a month. It has basic amenities- water, electricity, stove, and fridge. And its a safe place to stay. And I believe its not healthy to eat out daily. Home-cooked food is nutritious and healthy. Thus, I did not opt for a motel or any other place, where I would have to be at the mercy of someone else for food!

Initially, I was very confused about how to chop vegetables. There is no "work table/rack" in the kitchen. It took me 20 seconds to realize, I can chop veggies on the floor! *slaps forehead* This made me wonder- am I spoilt? Am I a snob to be complaining about stupid shelves, when there are homeless people?

To be fair, if I was lady Tarzan, swinging from tree to tree and eating raw, unsalted meat, this would still be a situation to complain about! So, I think the answer is, I am just too acclimatized to a way of life. If I had always lived like a nomad, living out of suitcases would not seem like a confusing chore. (You know, how do I keep stuff and not spend an hour trying to find it, or two trying to arrange it back in order!) I have been very lucky having to not worry about the basic NEEDs of "food, shelter, and clothing."

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs comes to my mind. The basic physiological NEEDs of breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, and excretion have to fulfilled first for man to move on to feeling safe. Security of body, job, resources, family, morality, health, and property come next. When these NEEDs are fulfilled, we move on to the NEED to belong or love. This includes, family, friends, and sexual intimacy. After this comes the esteem NEED. This includes our NEED to have adequate self esteem, respect for oneself and others, confidence, and achievement. Later on we feel the NEED to learn more and acquire more knowledge. Next is the NEED for aesthetics, pleasant surroundings, looking good, and feeling good. Then after a person has all these rungs fulfilled, he is secure enough to think about self-actualization. Here, one fulfills his NEEDs for morality, creativity, idealism, spirituality, and conscious and subconscious efforts to meet the psychological NEEDs. After all this, comes transcendence.

Genius Maslow!

I guess we all fight change, because change is inconvenient and unfamiliar. But it is something that cannot be avoided. When we are open-minded and consider all changes as experiences for us to grow more, we become diamonds, tempered from rocks under extreme conditions.

When our most basic NEEDs are challenged, it gives us a chance to re-evaluate ourselves and be appreciative of what we have. No wonder, a poor man who has been hungry for days, is willing to cast his vote to any "party" that provides him 1 simple meal.

Kannada for anyone?

This is one of the most debated topics in my city, Bangalore. Bangalore is a cosmopolitan city. We have Tamilians, Gujrathis, Marwadis, Malyalis, Bengalis, Nepalese, Chinese, Africans etc, in the city, that too in large numbers. Many of these people are my close friends.

For a modern day city-born-and-brought-up person, language is not at all a barrier. Mostly everyone speaks in English these days. And Hindi is our national language. We are exposed to a lot of Hindi serials and movies and have lots of Hindi-speaking friends. So, most of us know Hindi. Some may not be excellent in conversing in Hindi, but almost everyone understands Hindi. Some can even speak in other regional languages.

Definitely good has come out of this. We are generally pleasant people. We are happy to join in all celebrations, Indian or Western, from Ugadi to Halloween. We are amicable and reply to a query in any language in the same language, if possible. If not, of course, we know English/Hindi. So, all happy?

But my concern is - is Kannada slowly becoming obsolete? Kannada definitely is endangered.

Some of my friends from other states or countries have practically lived all their life in Bangalore and have not learnt or even attempted to learn Kannada ever. Admittedly, some have picked it up excellently and speak as well as I do. The general contention ranges from "I need not bother. Almost everyone around me speaks in Hindi or English, which I know. So, why should I?" to "Will you try to learn language X if you stay in my city? Then why ask me!"

This holds true for the younger generation of Kannadigas too. Parents are teaching their kids English first so that they can survive and succeed anywhere in the world. Kids should know "nose," "ears," "eyes," "mummy", "daddy," etc, instead of moogu, kivi, kaNNu, amma, appa, etc, respectively, to get admission in pre-nursery. People avoid Kannada medium schools because the opportunities afterwards are limiting and the standard of a majority of teachers is not so great; they hardly deliver the goods (might need another post for this). The English medium schools insist upon students speaking in English, and Kannada is generally the 2nd or the 3rd language. This is the cause for the dilution of the language (I do not have a single BA/MA Kannada friend.) I wonder how many of us (my generation and further city breds) can read a Kannada newspaper as fluently as in English or write a grammatically error-free page in Kannada!

I remember being totally shocked when I changed school from an urban to a rural government school. My Kannada was considerably poor compared to the kids there. And my English being good made me a butt of lot of jokes! I had to take up Kannada as the 1st language as there were no other options available in the school. This is when I began appreciating Kannada, its literature, with all the subtle nuances. It is a beautiful, deep language. I did not pursue it later on, for I found it hard for scoring in exams.

As per my knowledge, a lot of Kannadigas are from the rural towns of Karnataka and are still learning in government schools and colleges. Science, Social Science, Maths and even English is taught in Kannada here. This is where the actual essence of Karnataka is. The culture, traditions and language are pretty well conserved in these parts. Their eloquence is something else. Many people from here are migrating to Bangalore and other cities in different states seeking higher education, jobs, etc. These people end up in the big crowd too. But, some people do not and are happy with the life that they know of. Bad of this is, living in a box. Of course, there are many families who are presently somewhere in between these 2 ends.

There are many Kannada fanatics, as is the case with any language. I have seen a few Kannadigas get aggressive when, especially, a North Indian, living in Bangalore for a long time, refuses to learn Kannada. I understand it can be a tad bit difficult to learn a new language. And, since bartering with a shop keeper or an auto driver can be done in Hindi/English, it might seem like taking up unnecessary trouble to learn another language.

Though I am well conversant in Kannada, I am guilty of not being to able to read it as fluently as English. As a result, I prefer an English newspaper, novel, study material, etc. There are many who love to watch Kannada movies (including my father and my younger brother), but I pass. I cannot relate to the modern slew of Kannada films (because of exposure to cosmopolitan culture?) I prefer some of the old Kannada movies.

As far as the question, whether I would try and learn a new language if I were in some other state, I love languages. So, I would definitely give it a try. I am regretful that I cannot speak many Indian languages. I can speak only for myself. I am in Malaysia since 4-5 months. I can count to ten in BM and understand a few words. I have a BM to English dictionary, mainly to read signs on the road, the post box, or on a shop and because learning a new language is interesting.

About the outsiders in Bangalore/Karnataka not learning Kannada, I can only say that each person has a freedom to live their life as they seem fit. But, I do admit I feel quite contrite at my maid, who is originally not from Bangalore, but has lived most of her adult life here (she is middle aged), converses with everybody (her family, friends, neighbors, and people for whom she works) in her mother tongue. I can hardly understand anything she says. Conversation with her is a mind-boggling, complex task. "Why should I?" she asks. This is business we are talking about. Isn't this annoying? I now have slowly begun to catch a few words she says! Is it that hard to learn? (Bad of you too Mr. Kannadiga living in Orissa for the last 20 years, if you are like this!)

Well, the least we can do is have our next generation of Kannadigas learn to love this beautiful language and to conserve it. I think this cause is as important as saving the Tigers. It tears my heart to think that our kids probably won't be able to see a live Tiger. So, does it tug at my heart for our kids to live life not knowing or caring to learn Kannada. It will just be another language lost. Kannada and Tigers are cool, you know?

for anyone?

'Workable' situations

Since I began blogging, a whole new world of "free information" has opened to me. Its great to be reading other interesting blogs. I am all for honest opinions and curiously new unique things. It was always like a cul-de-sac in the past when you had to rely on books only for any sort of information. Internet has opened so many avenues. So has this free world of blogging.

Its great to find information about anything at all. I have lately been reading a lot about "self-help". I used to find this topic very preachy in the past. I always thought that the people who have written it must be snobs. I pictured that these people have "achieved success" or "learnt how to turn down unprofitable business proposal politely" or something. But it is funny now, because I realize that if they are saying they will never be sad again or learnt how to be efficient 24/7, they are just advertising! Of course nobody is perfect; we are all striving to be better everyday.

I am very choosy of people with whom I want to associate myself. It is not a big task when it comes to choosing friends. But it is super hard if they come along as your family/relatives or your colleagues (who sit next to you all day)/boss. These people can be a real pain. And being around some of these people can be a real mood buster. No matter what, they cannot be ignored or won't take it lightly if ignored. You have to interact with them on a daily basis.

It is much more difficult to handle family situations. I still don't know what I should be doing in case of a family person being a pain. But much easier are office situations. For example, if you have a whiny colleague, who complains all day about the extra workload, or not being paid the OT money, or being called in on a Sunday, when both of you are in the same situation, it stresses you out even more. You may be trying to be understanding about this situation, but it is not really helping. You might see yourself obsessing about this person now, instead of trying to be done with the dreadful work-

"OMG! Will he stop now?! He is not going to die if he works for an hour extra! He is such a sissy! He does not dare to tell the boss what he is thinking! I wish they are secretly recording what he is saying. He only roars at me! He must actually be a sissy in real life. Oh right! Now I know; that day, he freaked out because he had a flu and he thought it was H1N1! What a wuss!"

This is not only going to not help with the work, but it starts to form a thought process about this colleague, which totally leaps out of professional circle and makes you judgmental of him for wrong reasons! (Although, I agree this can be a de-stressing, amusing, character analysis game: Raju- the H1N1 freak! haha!) We all do this, don't we?

Well, instead of being "Gaahhh! I can't stand to be next to him anymore!" in your mind, you can say things like- "Yeah! I know! I am not getting paid for extra work either. So, stop wasting my time. I really want to be done with this fast and be home! " If you can say this, I admire you. Open and proper communication is a damn good asset!

But, I know the world is a hard place for polite/meek people. For those of you who seem to be hyperventilating each time the colleague opens his mouth, but cant seem to do anything about it, you can try these-

1. Take deep breaths and count to 10 or 20 or 30.... however long it takes for you to focus (or in this case, lose focus of him).
2. If you are good at faking expressions, have a "bored" expression to feign disinterest.
3. If this person does not care if you are bored and still goes on, do not respond.
4. (This one is utterly confusing!) Think of the good things about this person. It will kind of help you to not feel "arrrgggh!", but "woooww" (Raju was hilarious in that meeting. Man you should have seen the boss man's face!). And this can distract your brain too. It is like tricking your brain into liking this person!

Devious? Yes! Still, if all the above do not work, you can definitely try this tried and tested approach:

"I know how you feel! Let's finish this work fast and then talk about this in leisure."

The assurance of a "whine time" makes the person leave you alone. I bet once the work is done, the colleague will be as happy to be home early as you. You do not have to go back to this session.

Life would be so much easier if we had delete and replay button in it. We could delete stuff we did not like and replay all the things that make us feel better. But since that is clearly not the case, lets make most of what we have.

Contention of contentment

Its raining outside.

Rains always make me contemplative. I was contemplating about contentment today.

I know a few very successful people. They seem to have everything in their lives. I know success is subjective. But take your pick from the following. They are creative geniuses, quirky, dorky, fun, entertaining, adventurous, fire brand, ever enthusiastic, own a lot of media space online in all fields, volunteering for non-profit, have already been around the world at least once, have friends from all countries all over the world, and last but not least, they are still finding numerous new things to do, always! Did I say they are also earning lots and happy with their jobs?

Well, I am envious! I have to be a saint to not be. I want to be successful (love, career, money, creative outlet, spirituality, travel, etc, in approximately that order for me) too. And, when I have all that, I want luxury for the rest of my life. I guess, according to the vedas (the 4 ashramas), at this point in life , I can be materialistic (to a point) if I want.

Note: We are just too greedy to be happy with what we have (which according to some others is quite enough!) And, unfortunately, even enough is not enough till some later point in life and after much realization.

I admit, nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it. Also, shooting for the moon is theoretical, but not practical.

So, I was thinking, what does contentment feel like? It is said that contentment comes with experience. When you have seen and done all, you have had enough. You are content. That is when you seek sanctuary in not just soul searching, but also try to seek the ultimate truth. I wish there was a shortcut to contentment. Or maybe that's the whole point. There is no shortcut.

I don't know what the ultimate truth is (I have my doubts). For today, I am just contemplating.

Law of attraction

Sometimes,

It is hard not to stop worrying about things.
It is hard not to feel hopeless.
It is lonely.
It is just unbearable.
It feels like things will never get better.
It feels like there is no other solution.
It seems that the glass is always half empty.
It seems like there is never enough.
It seems no goal is reachable.
It feels like there are no goals.

Instead of feeling absolute despair, why not dearly wish (desire) for something better than wallow in negativity? According to the “Universal Law of Attraction”- like attracts like, what goes around comes around and positive thinking attracts positive things (and vice versa). Our desire attracts things to us. And supposedly our thoughts and feelings manifest into physical matter. Transformation of brain energy into any energy is possible.

And feelings have mass! Like, for example, you see the beautiful Lamborghini and desire it. You start making plans of buying it. You begin to see yourself driving it. And the thoughts bring you happiness. And the happiness makes you feel a deep sense of gratitude for receiving the car. All you have to do is just believe that you will get the car and you deserve it! Cool huh!

So, the more number of people feeling the same thoughts at a given time have higher probability of attracting the thing that they all desire in common!

Well, it is true. I have experienced this (not with a Lamborghini, of course!). I really wanted my dream job offer (and other things). That’s what I got, “ my dream job offer”. But, turns out, you have to be really specific in desiring.

I want my dream job offer and I should take it up!

Ironic eh?

Have you had any such experiences?

Social Network

I have a lot of good friends in my lives. I like being able to laugh at funny things with them. I like being able to just share thoughts, feelings and time with them. But it has not been that easy always.

I have moved school too often. You know how it goes. Parents are in a transferable job and we keep moving house every few years (I was luckier than others, who moved more often). This made it super difficult to make and keep friends in early years. This makes you mentally insulate yourself from the possibility of getting close to anyone and then going away. Of course, my parents loved to socialize and my brother and I were never left out. I in fact loved to hang out with family friends (my parents’ friends and their kids) and became more close to them. I made many friends in my college days and later on, when I finally stopped moving.

I tried to keep the memories intact. But, as can be expected, with time the memories were hazy, like smoke, and it took a lot of effort to hold on to them; I let them go. Since being able to reconnect to everyone through social networking sites, I have tried to connect myself again to the people from my earlier life. I feel bad to have missed out on possible potential friends. I vaguely remember faces and some small details about a very few people. I can see my then good friends (at age 14) are now a happy couple and have a wonderful family! What happened to the years in between? I am happy for them. Yet it is frustrating as I am not able to relate to them now at all.

It sometimes happens that I recognize a person, but have nothing to say to them. Yes, we are totally different now from then. But if you do not accept their “friend request” there is a mild possibility that I maybe termed a snob or an ungrateful person. But if you do accept, you have nothing to say! Sometimes a childish memory (a 12-yr old face) comes back about how a certain someone was a bully then, and I am immediately wary of talking to them now! Immature? Yes! Oh! I bet there are many who would not want to talk to me now, because then I had (maybe) a bad handwriting or something!

What’s more frustrating is few (well-meaning) people, who make the effort to reconnect, expect me to catch up suddenly - who married who, who studied what, who lives where, who has become a rogue, who turned out well, etc! I should be in the know of these things. Everyone knows this stuff! And well when you are at a loss of words and don’t show the expected reaction, you are immediately left out again. The feeling this generates might be that I am not interested, don’t care, or unsocial. Sigh! Connecting 2 different universes (mine and theirs) is not an easy task!

I am all for social networking. It is a good forum for catching up, for sharing favorites, for expressing creative ideas, for letting people know what you are up to, basically connecting. I wouldn’t have been able to know that the other universe still exists, if not for these sites. So, “Hurrah!” for social networking!

Try it today

I just had mushroom soup for breakfast. Hmm.. I probably will have Gulab Jamoon (sweet) for lunch!

I have always wanted to rebel the regular items on the menu for 3 meals of a typical day. Yeah, it is advised to stick to the menu for a healthy lifestyle. Dosa and Idli (made out of fermented dough/batter), Rotti (sort of like pancakes, but different), etc, for breakfast and Anna (rice) Sambar/Rasam/Daal (curry), etc, with subzi (vegetable side dish) for lunch and dinner. Seriously, what can happen if you eat Biryani for breakfast and Idli for dinner? I always wanted to know.

Well, fortunately/unfortunately, I can report nothing untoward. It just feels like I had mushroom soup for breakfast. It is a rather nice feeling, to be able to eat what you want when you want it.

I might not carry this on forever. I like my routine. But, once in a while, it is fun to break your own rules. *wink*

I always wanted to try on a skirt (I don’t consider myself a skirt person). What can happen at the most? I might not like me in it and might not want to wear it again. Well, that’s a small price for trying out what you always wanted to do!

Have you been thinking of going for the shaved-head look (men/woman)? May be not so radical, but short hair (women), long hair (men), or coloured hair (men/women)? Do you think you can carry it off? What about that course you have been thinking of taking up forever? Have you ever thought of joining salsa/ tango, etc, but been shy of it? Have you been intrigued by sculpted bodies, but always found excuses to avoid joining a gym/yoga/aerobics/etc? Have you wanted to wear mehendi (henna) on your hands? Boys, ever wanted to try some (light) makeup?

Have you ever thought of challenging yourself? Try it today. It might be fulfilling to not hold yourself back and give in just this once!

What did you say?

I just recently read Bridget Jones’ Diary. It was hilarious. I did not like the movie at all. But the book was really something. I felt I could relate to it. She has all the issues of a ‘normal’ girl/woman. It was funny to see things from her perspective. That said, all our lives, and therefore journals, will probably not be so entertaining.

I used to maintain a diary too when I was younger. I thought it cleared my mind to write things out. But, I couldn’t have been more wrong. It was mainly self-indulgent, self-depreciating, with brutally honest feelings, which increased self-loathing, and it was a vicious cycle! I plainly forgot to include all the positive things, which shows I did not think much of it. Thank God, I stopped writing into a diary and started blogs. (At least here I am responsible for my words and aware that people will be reading things I think!)



We know good and proper communication with others is very important. But we fail when we do not communicate well with ourselves. How many people know that treating ourselves the way we want others to treat us will actually boost our confidence and self-worth and makes us accept and value ourselves more? Words really do have power. Try and start saying positive things today. It might actually benefit you.

Except a few supremely confident individuals (and good communicators), many of us are quite bad at expressing ourselves-thoughts and emotions. We say things, which we don’t mean, say in tone we didn't intend, we make less of our intense emotions so as to not show our vulnerability, we make more of our emotions that actually do not matter and we become defensive at perceived wrong reactions; in short, we are quite touchy! I know I am, and a few people I know are. I am super sensitive. It has stopped me from saying so many things or even broaching subjects that will reveal my inner squishy-ness. I am touchy to the point of squirming in my seat, thinking I might be the cause of another person’s discomfort!

Well, we cannot possibly try and make people understand everything we say, the way we thought. There are possibilities that we will be taken wrongly, anyway, whatever we say, depending on the issue, person, situation, subjective prejudices, etc, as there are always two sides to any debate. But, that’s when good communication comes into picture. It is so hard to not go off on a tangent and say things with cryptic meanings (code to which only you have!) and expect people to understand it magically!

I had a professor who was such a good orator and stressed upon assertive communication. Very tough for me! But, somehow I feel better writing a blog about it. ;)

I am sorry

Have you upset someone recently?
Are your moods wreaking havoc for others?
Do you think you were unnecessarily rude?
Was that unasked for opinion really necessary?
Do you seem to be making life hard for people around you?
Would that argument have continued if you were reasonable?
How big a deal was it really?
Have you been insensitive to others’ problems?
Does it really matter?
Did you intend to speak harshly?

Well, it is time to utter the magic words- “I am sorry.” Just saying it without meaning it is baseless, pointless and futile. But, if you are really sorry, ego shouldn’t come in the picture because you want to be forgiven. If you really want to make things right then honestly feeling apologetic and letting the other person know that you feel that way is so very important.

And people who are at the receiving end of the stick feel guilty/hurt/confused/over sensitive/ pressurized/uncared for/etc when subjected to the above treatment. Then, they may end up saying “I am sorry” instead of you. And it only causes further confusion. And if you are a jerk, you might not say anything and stress that other person further, or worse say “It’s OK” instead of “No! What are you saying? It’s my mistake! I am sorry!”

Sometimes it is a knee-jerk reaction that causes all the trouble. It is rare that people are inherently evil and obnoxious and want to purposely cause unpleasantries (but there are some like that). After all we are humans and we make mistakes. Knowing when one is wrong and trying to do things right is a mark of character. So, stop being a jerk and say I am sorry and mean it!

Friends’ dynamics

The people who are like you, who understand your quirkiness and laugh with you, those who feel free to whack you in the head, and laugh at your silliness are all friends. There are some people with whom you can share your deepest secrets with, without fear of being judged, having totally accepted you for what you are. Don’t we all love them?

Yeah, it is so wonderful to have some time to hang out with friends and share gossip and just be available for each other. It might not even be that there will be a lot to talk; it could just be shopping for stuff or even just plain wanting silent company. Friends are the first people who come to mind when you think of all that.

Haven’t we all needed a shoulder to cry on some time or the other? Haven’t we felt that nobody except our friends can relate to us? Having heart breaks, or issues with parents and elders, or just the next door neighbor, makes one feel so blue. And just a friendly chit chat perks things up considerably.

But well, for the sake of this post, I will categorize my friends (ugh! sorry!). I have mainly 2 categories of friends: married/committed and unmarried/non-committed. And being in the second category not so long ago, I am observing changing patterns in friendships around me. Marriage or being in any sort of committed relationship leaves little space for other people. There is a sort of a huge shift in purpose of and approach towards things, people and feelings. And definitely the change leaves a lot of gap between friends (sometimes temporarily or even permanently!).

I have been lucky enough to keep myself socially active (I think) despite hardly having any time, to know what a few friends of the other category feel. Somehow, the issues of being married/committed seem to take on a life of their own. And from the latter's point of view, it leaves no room for anything or anyone with the former. “I feel like an outcast” is the most common feeling.

My married/committed friends (including myself) hardly have time from their domestic/personal/work/etc things to even carry on a general conversation lasting a few minutes, which does not involve the aforesaid things. This obviously is frustrating for someone who has been with them throughout till their new changing relations, and obviously feels left out.

An example of such a conversation is:
“Well, how about meeting this Saturday for coffee? I have to tell you about this course I am taking...”

“Really? That’s interesting. Let me ask him/her (partner) what plans he/she has on Saturday. I will call you...”
(And its all the more difficult if the friend is of the opposite sex!)

This is the changing dynamics in friendships. It exists and it hurts. But sometimes, friendships have endured worse phases than these and revived upon just an emotional phone call!

Myself, I live in my head (as do most others as I know!). I have imaginary conversations and situations and get worked up over trivial things or sometimes even nothing. I feel foolish after that. Call it pessimism or paranoia, but there are a few good friends who will indulge my doubts just for my sake, but also get bossy and strict, when I am overbearing. It really just takes a phone call to feel a sense of 'belongingness'. I love them. It is funny how friendship can breed loyalty. And I am so glad to have the friends in my life that I have.

Green-eyed monster

Jealousy! It is something that everyone has experienced and allowed themselves to be consumed by once in a while (as if there was a choice!). Is there a choice?

I remember looking at my ‘best friend of the day’ in school. We had just got our results for the term. And obviously the one who ranks first is your best friend (in fact, is everybody’s best friend). I can remember being consumed with envy, seeing all the teachers ooh!-ing and aah!-ing at her. I wanted that praise. I don’t remember what I did to either get it or not. But, I can remember crying heaps and asking mom if 4th rank was terrible. But that was a long time ago.

And not so long ago, I went to this wedding. I was amazed with some people acting strange and out of character. Well, weddings are places where there are lots of opportunities to become jealous before even batting an eyelid. Somebody is jealous of the bride’s “good fortune” to be married into a rich family. Somebody is just jealous of another woman wearing the beautiful Kancheevaram silk saree. Jewels, cars, businesses, properties are all sized up and compared, not to mention, hair, eyes, nose, and other body parts even. But well everyone survives at the end of it.

In office, the increment day is a day filled with vibes flying out of control all over the place. You have to tread carefully, hide your envelopes and just pretend to not be happy about the increment if you got one or pretend to be normal if you didn't get one. Oh, and if you (the one who got the increment) do get caught by the others (who didn’t), God save you!

Grown-ups should know better about being jealous because it’s not right. It just plainly shows how ever much one tries to hide it. Its not harmful many-a-times (except when it is extreme psychopathic illness, like that Michael Douglas movie) to the object of jealousy, rather it consumes the subject and erodes the subject’s self-esteem, self-worth, confidence and peace. Sometimes just wallowing in self-pity, thinking we are not as good, rich, famous, in love, married, beautiful, handsome, intelligent, etc, as that other person is just enough to damage us. But, how about trying to be happy for the other person than being sad for oneself? Haha, it is like smiling with a bitter taste in your mouth, when all you want to do is gag!!

But, the other part of being jealous is that you feel sour about somebody or something, and you want it for yourselves too. So, it is such a good opportunity to realize what you want; like for example, you want to be the best employee and get recognition in office, you want a house in a certain location, you want to be the most-loved teacher in school, you want to get highest marks in the exam, etc. It puts certain things in perspective. That is why important people are recognized and honored, so that not only does it encourage the person, but motivates others too, to aspire to achieve.


When we can see what others have and know that it is good if we can do it too, we can work towards it. But if it is like a super huge diamond ring, which you can’t afford in a million years, you just have to be practical about it and wonder if it is worth it. Easier said than done, I know. Though it is hard work, we can all try and make our vices our strengths. What say?

Please, no more!

Are you one of the people who have been given free advices when you least expect them? Are you one of those people who roll their eyes when you hear the word “advice”? Then read on.

I must say I have been really unfortunate with advices. I hate taking or giving advices. I am good at neither.

I am quite flabbergasted even if actually asked to advice on something. "What do you think?" has me thinking, why do you want to know! I prefer to keep to myself than interfere and give an advice unasked for. So, it is absolutely irritating when people just throw “pieces” of advice here and there for me to catch!

I know I sound irritated. I always get annoyed when there are some who believe in stereotyping and are judgmental and think that people are always looking for advice. When you go shopping for clothes in a mall, you find your favorite color tee-shirt and reach out for it. And some passerby advices you, “You should be getting something of a lighter shade you know”! Well, how would you feel?

In the least expected situations and places I have heard advices, which have been least helpful to me! In the make-up counter, I wanted a brown lipstick. I got tired of shooing away the sales assistant. I gave up and took the advice of the sales assistant against my instinct (my instinct works at stupid times) and bought a red one. “It is more flattering,” she said. Will I wear it ever now? No. That’s not my cup of tea or tube of lipstick!!

Hah! This was a good one. I finished college. And I chose my path of career. And there were people asking me explanation for my choice and giving advices - “Actually, you should have asked me before you made your choice!” “You should choose to do this and not waste your time doing that.” “There is no money in this field. So, do like this.” (Instead of giving advices, you could have got me the job!) “I can only advice you. Rest you have to figure out.” Thanks!

I know a friend who has a beautiful child. But he is not according to the modern standards of slim and cute. He is more of a “healthier” cute. (I even hate putting healthier within quotes!) There are people who randomly give her advice on what she should be doing to make her child look “average,” for his own future well-being. It’s a pity! The child is so happy and content and could not be bothered about anything but his toys and his imaginary world. The mom knows he is healthy. Its a crime to have a few extra pounds. I know this from my own personal experience. People feel free to poke you with advices, thinking you are well insulated from hurt just because you have the extra fat!

I understand that we seek advice when we can’t think for ourselves or want to hear other people’s perspectives. It feels better to hear others' opinions at times, to clear a foggy brain. I of course wait to hear what my family and a good close-knit group of friends (who really know me) have to say. At times, it is easier to take someone else’s advice because we might not always be right about ourselves or things. When the advice stems from a deep-seated concern and is heartfelt, it is worth giving an ear. You can always see when it is genuine. You never know, good might come out of it!

But, if you are a person I met on a train some day and are assuming I want your advice, please, no more!!

The guilty eater

Food is something that is very personal to each and every individual. People from coastal areas love fish. People in Asia love rice. Italians love bread. Americans love their fish and chips. Irish love their potatoes so much that during the Great Famine in Ireland, people just moved to USA to avoid starvation. These are all broad generalizations. But the point is we all are very particular about the food that we eat. Why not? It is our bodies we are feeding. So, it is only correct to be conscious of what we are eating.

There is a theory that says we are what we eat! It is interesting, but debatable. There are certain beliefs that eating meat will give us beastly qualities and eating plants will make us more humane. I am often switching from vegetarian to nonvegetarian and vice versa every few years. But I haven’t noticed any sort of drastic changes in my personality during the changing phases. But I won’t rule this theory out completely as I turn into a vegetarian every time I hear stories like how large number of chickens are cooped in a small place, which in turn stresses them out and they start getting violent. But to avoid them harming each other, there are machines called clippers. These machines are used to clip their beaks after which they cannot even feed!! *shudder* (But after a few months or years, the fried chicken smells so tasty again!)


Many of us have a very emotional relationship with food. People eat food not only when they are hungry, but also when they are bored, irritable, sad, tensed (yeah! Some have confessed to eating more out of tension too), coping with loss, or just for the love of food. Since a few years, changes in my life have made me more or less sedentary and food is always around! So, as can be expected, I am tipping scales towards the “plumper” side. And as usual, I have been blaming the weather, the work, the government, etc, for my situation. But, since I have had time to ponder I have come to realize that it was me all the while who was responsible. I hate any form of exercise and have been pushing it off for too long. And gym doesn’t seem that interesting to me. Food is too enticing!

So, I have been recently looking up the internet for weight loss, diet and exercise tips. These ones seemed more promising and achievable to me:

• Do not eat something which you will not feed your child.
• Drink upto 8 glasses (read 1 big jug) of water (tea and coffee don’t count, except green tea) every day for good skin and curbing appetite.
• Eat a carrot or an apple whenever you have the tendency to snack on cookies or chips.
• Eat consciously (meaning, judge if the portions on your plate are too big) even if you are watching TV or conversing with someone interesting.
• Instead of eating a dessert, eat a fruit.
• Eat lightly in the night.
• Take stairs instead of an elevator.
• Walk to the nearest grocery store. (If you are very free, go more than once!)
• Try to do some sort of an exercise (rope jumping, walking, swimming, jogging, dancing, yoga, etc) most of the days and add variety to the routine.
• If you are someone who likes to keep it simple, walking gives most of the benefits to all parts of the body.
• Don’t be too hard on yourself for not adhering to the above once in a while! ;)

These are the most practical tips I could find. I am trying to incorporate most of the above in my daily routine. But I do slip up on the diet during weekends and exercise during some days. And yeah, another way of being conscious of what you eat is the calorie counting method (eat lesser calories and burn more). It is a lot more tedious and a bit impractical when you have to count your portions or servings in terms of calories, instead of knowing if it is enough to fill your stomach or not. It is sad to me when instead of seeing a beautiful pizza slice you see only “calories”! It works pretty well for a few people, but not for me.


If you are the kind of person who values money a lot, then a good suggestion is to buy an expensive swimsuit, workout clothes or accessories. That way, the hole in your pocket will keep reminding you to put those to good use! ;)

But if along with fitness, weight is a problem then this tip from a friend might come in handy: buy a dress 1 size smaller and aim into fitting in it well. Practical and simple! This is taking control of the situation one step at a time.

Well, another tip is to get involved in some sport. Even better if there are people to play with you. Or join a dance or a karate class. I have also read that, on an average, if you take 10,000 steps a day, it will be about enough exercise to keep you fit! Hah! Talk about looking up for easy fixes! I think a pedometer (to count the steps) will be a good investment in this case. If you are like me, and find enough reasons (too hot, too windy, rainy, etc) to not go walking outside, then a treadmill is a good investment. Now, it is inside the house! (Making it harder to avoid is another way of forcing yourself off the couch.) But, a walk outside gives a lot more benefits.

I am right now aiming to getting fit, eating right and regaining my stamina, although I hope that weight loss will be a welcome accompaniment in the process. ;)

The best tip of all: keep yourself engaged enough to not worry about food, clothes, weight, etc, and you will not have time to think about what all I have said all this while!

Shhhh.....

1....2.....3.....4......5......

Yeah, that’s how long I can remain silent! I have always been known as a chatter box. In fact in school, most of the complaints in my school diary would be that I talk too much in class. And my mother would be trying to make me stop, but to no avail!


So, when that’s the kind of a person I am, silence is baffling to me, unless created by myself. It is most uncomfortable when you have guests who don’t talk to you unless you do. Or even some people who have you as guests, for that matter. They reply to only what you ask. It is even more awkward when you are being nice and friendly and trying to make a conversation and you seem to inadvertently probe and are given the nasty “look”. Ugh! It is the worst feeling to be subjected to that look. That does silence one for a while! And then you will just have to bear the awkward silence, eat what is given and wait to run back home (or in the former case, wait till they politely take leave).


In fact, there are some who think that it is foolish of people to waste away their energy by talking. Well, foolish or not, it definitely depends on whether one is expressive or not. I may jabber away all day. But that doesn’t mean I cannot keep a secret. It is just fun to talk, crack jokes, make people laugh, and generally converse about various things and share ideas and experiences.

On some rare occasions when I have been silent, everyone around me starts to bother me with ‘are you feeling well?’, ‘is there a problem?’, ‘did I do something wrong?’, etc. I don’t know if talking and silence is a habit or not. Maybe it is just a state of mind.

All said and done, it is unwise to undermine the power of silence. Silence is therapeutic sometimes (like talking). There are so many ashrams where you have to maintain total silence for the time of your stay. You have to convey most important and basic messages through hand signs (for a first timer, through writing). You have to keep silence to rest your voice box and mind (through meditation). You have to eat minimal and drink herbal juices or just plain water (to clean the body from within). I have heard it is an experience worth trying.



Silence helps one to understand oneself. It helps one to come to terms with the situations one is facing. It is relaxing. It calms the psyche (or maybe a peaceful mind doesn’t need words?). It brings perspective. It definitely helps one to work efficiently. Silence determines self-confidence. It speaks of respect, strength and dignity. Silence is spiritual. There are so many dimensions to silence.

And sometimes silence speaks louder than words; for example,

Person 1: Do you love me?
Person 2: Silence.

Person 1: Do you think I look fat in this outfit?
Person 2: Silence.

Person 1: Do you take me for a fool?
Person 2: Silence.

and so on… :)

Well, silence is nice for a while. If it is too long a silence, I end up writing if not talking! ;)

What do I miss most in life?

This is a weird question. I think so. The title could have been something more apt to some situation like, 'what do people miss the most in winter?', 'what do people miss the most in old age?', etc. Let me justify the question... the situations might be different, the moods might be different, but get me one perfectly fulfilled person, who can say 'oh no! there's nothing that I need.' Yeah, there is always something we like to look forward to, to get that something we need, to have desires and ambitions fulfilled, to have hopes. There is a person, a value, a work more cherished that we miss on and off.

I think what I miss the most, personally, is my idealism, the 'I give a damn! May what come' attitude. It was a different time when I thought I could bend all the rules, and also face the repercussions of my insolence with a right vs. wrong approach. Being a good person was important, but being correct was more so. With experience and advice, I started to see things in color and not just black and white. And voila! Welcome to the adulthood! Now I think twice before saying things, even if they are right, just so as to not offend people. I give bribes to get my work done. I follow all the rules to be a good daughter, a good wife, etc. I try hard not to say the truth, as it might hurt. Well I surely miss my idealism the most.